The Mix of Confusion and Horror after Breast Cancer Diagnosis

A young, almost 50-year old friend of mine called me the other day saying she has been diagnosed with pre-cancerous breast cancer. She had had a benign lumpectomy several years ago and her mother had died within 2 months of diagnosis of breast cancer that had metastisized to her lungs. Needless to say, my friend was shocked and scared.

I referred her to Mary Wilde, MD, Director of Scripps Polster Breast Care Center that I mentioned in an earlier post.

She called me back a few days later to tell me she had had a Mamo-test. I could tell she was in that state of After Diagnosis Confusion and Horror, magnified by her mother's experience and death.

I realized I hadn't written much about that time because it is just such an awful period. I didn't know what the right thing to do would be. Should I really have a whole breast removed??? Is that the right thing to do if I have DCIS, Stage 0? Who would know? I had read the literature about how there were too many mastectomies being done, that doctors were too eager to do them, etc. Then there was the issue of the right breast. There were little spots showing up in the MRI that may be "false positives". I had read enough to be somewhat paranoid about whether doctors would do the "right" thing.

I would go to a doctor's appointment and we would talk about whatever I was there for and then when I would get home, my partner (now my husband) would ask me about it and I wouldn't be able to remember what the doctor had said. Finally, I started taking a tape recorder with me to the appointments. Surprisingly, many doctors didn't want me to tape record the appointment. When I asked why, one of them said something odd like "people who tape record the session don't listen carefully in the session so they don't ask questions. They think they will listen to the tape of the session." Frankly, as confused as I was, I accepted this silly answer and did not insist on recording the session.

Taking it one day at a time was the most helpful, but not easy. I tried to "stay present" in my confusion and despair, but it was difficult because it felt like I would feel that despair forever. I guess that is how I feel hearing my friend talk about her situation and where she is in her process.

I have to say that the despair does pass at least on the surface. I cry easily when I talk about it, so I don't know that it is really gone. I'd love to hear from other breast cancer survivors and their experiences after they were diagnosed. If you know of someone, please have them email me or 'comment' here on my blog.

The End of Denial...

Actually, it's two years later and I'm still wondering if I am out of denial. It was difficult to write the previous post. I think that's one reason why I both want to have this blog, to connect with other women who have had breast cancer and/or have had other plastic surgeries whether restorative or elective plastic surgery.

To continue from my previous post, I had the Mammo-test and the biopsy was malignant. Of course, they didn't tell me that then. I had another appointment with my surgeon, Dr. Tanaka at Scripps Clinic in Encinitas. She was the one that told me I had DCIS, the "best breast cancer you can have if you have breast cancer" she told me. Best because it's the non-spreading kind, she said. But, unfortunately, you have it in three sites, she said. Therefore, we advise you to have a "skin sparing" mastecomy.

By this time in the process, I had been researching breast cancer on the internet, on http://www.amazon.com and it turned out that my boss, Marcia Ayers, at work had had breast cancer over 5 years earlier and loaned me an excellent book and was very helpful and compassionate. By the time, I was going around in a stunned fog. I did learn enough to know that I should have a second opinion about whether to have a lumpectomy or a mastectomy.

I was referred by a friend to Mary Wilde, MD, Medical Director, Scripps Polster Breast Care Center. I took her all the images from Scripps Green/Anderson Outpatient Clinic, all MRIs, Mammograms, etc. She looked at them and advised me to have a skin-sparing mastectomy. I burst out crying, like I hadn't heard that before! Fortunately, I had taken a lovely, close friend with me, Vincentia Schroeter, Ph.D., a psychotherapist friend. Both women were kind and compassionate. I went home and told my loving partner about it all. He was great! And he stayed great throughout the ordeal, I'm grateful to say. BTW, we are now married. But more later. I have to take this in small doses.